'Unacknowledged Empathy' Ensnared in the Emotional Snares of Overly Polite Behavior
In today's interconnected world, understanding the concept of toxic empathy has become increasingly important. This condition, also known as overidentifying, occurs when we step in to solve another person's problems or take too much responsibility for their feelings, leading to a range of physical and emotional effects.
Two experts in their respective fields, psychotherapist and moderator Courtney Shrum, and biophysicist Michael G. Wetter, have shed light on this topic.
Toxic empathy can manifest in various ways, such as constant people pleasing and prioritizing others' needs over one's own. It can lead to elevated cortisol levels, disrupted sleep, headaches, gastrointestinal problems, muscle tension, and fatigue. Moreover, those who overidentify with and carry the moods of others often end up feeling chronically overwhelmed.
Adult psychotherapist Rebecca Love explains that healthy empathy respects the autonomy of each person's timeline for processing, problem-solving, or responding. Shrum, a licensed therapist and nervous system educator, emphasizes the importance of regularly checking in with oneself to ensure that one is listening with care and not starting to carry the other person's feelings as one's own.
Shrum's advice includes staying anchored in one's own body in future relationships and building in self-check points to avoid absorbing someone's emotions. She recommends somatic check-ins to catch the moment empathy tips into self-abandonment. Additionally, Shrum suggests externalizing responsibility by reminding oneself that the story being heard belongs to the other person and isn't yours to solve.
Low self-esteem can also contribute to toxic empathy, as constantly going to extremes to help others may reflect a belief that worth is tied to self-sacrifice or always stretching past one's own limits. Lack of clear boundaries can make it difficult for a person to say no, even at the expense of their own well-being.
Another sign of toxic empathy is losing sight of other people's autonomy, imposing solutions to their issues, and feeling personally offended or angry if the person doesn't welcome or follow the advice. Over time, empathy without regulation may lead to emotional blunting, a protective shutdown that shields the individual from overload but also dampens positive emotional experiences.
Naming the boundary between self and other retrains the nervous system to care without carrying. After a tough conversation, committing to a simple activity one enjoys can create a recovery ritual, discharging leftover activation in the nervous system. This checking in helps one shift from absorbing someone's emotions to supporting them without abandoning oneself.
In conclusion, understanding and managing toxic empathy is crucial for maintaining our physical and emotional well-being. By practicing self-care, setting boundaries, and recognising the difference between healthy and toxic empathy, we can cultivate healthier relationships and live more fulfilling lives.
